Cosmo Sucks

I finally did it. I don't know why it took me so long. It was far easier than I imagined it would be.

I canceled my subscription to Cosmo.

When I was living alone as a moderately busy and lonely grad student, a discount magazine subscription leaflet came in the mail. Glancing through the options, I decided "Why the hell not?" and ordered a couple. It was only $10, and I remembered enjoying picking up a copy of Cosmo at the airport as fluff reading on the plane.

I'm not sure what changed. At first it was simply fun and a bit of escapism. Then I started realizing that shiny colorful pictures didn't make up for the fact that I didn't use (or believe I needed) about 95% of the products featured.

Make-up, perfume, and tacky jewelry weren't things I spent my money on. Well, okay, I own my share of tacky jewelry, but never were such purchases prompted by "style tips" I read in a magazine.

Even the hair-care and hairstyle articles didn't apply to me. Some of the little side tips have been useful, and I've gotten a few ideas from the poorly written hairstyle directions, but on the whole there's nothing there I can't find on the internet for free. Besides, they consider bra-strap length hair to be "long" and don't address anything longer than that.

Um, no. I have waist-length hair, and therefore most of the "long hair updos" don't work because I have too much hair. They also advocate using a fuckton of hair product, and tout styles as being "quick and easy, only 15 minutes!"

Bitch, please. If it takes me 15 minutes to do my hair, it better look fucking perfect, last all day, and elicit a complement from every damn person I meet. Quick and easy is two minutes tops, and that includes the time it takes to brush my hair. If I can brush and put up my waist-length hair in under two minutes and have it not look like shit, why the hell can't Cosmo have an article on that? It can't possibly be rocket science.

Oh, that's right. Cosmo does not exist to actually give women helpful information. Cosmo exists to sell shit. It all makes sense! I mean, I totally knew that, but for some reason I was laboring under the misapprehension that there would be useful shit mixed in with the not-so-cleverly disguised advertisements.

The last issue I received finally pushed me over the edge.

It was nothing but trite crap and I found most of the articles not only irrelevant to my life but highly condescending.

The "Why You Shouldn't Call Him Sweetie" article was incredibly offensive. I'm really only offended by one thing, and that's being talked down to (and the like). This article does nothing but talk down to the reader. I can totally understand not using names like "Fartybuns" or anything your grandmother called you, but "Honey"? Really?!?!?!

Pet names don't remind you of sex, and you should be thinking about sex ALL THE TIME. It is totally unacceptable to have a romantic relationship that is not about sex ALL THE TIME. Of course, there's no real explanation for why, except that it could possibly lead to less sex. Cosmo suggests you use pet names like "Stud" and "Loverboy" instead because they "remind you of sex". Barf. Yeah, because thinking about phrases on lame Valentine's Day cards totally gets me hot.

In past issues I've been instructed to not wear sweat pants at home, not wear a long shirt to sleep in, and to "know when my man is in the mood". Of course, there was no mention about men wearing sweat pants at home, and if he does it, why the fuck do I have to make sure I look cute at all times?! Fuck that shit. I'll sleep in whatever I damn well please, since I'm, you know, sleeping. As for knowing when my boyfriend wants sex? Easy. Always.

So I went online and canceled my subscription. I was rather sad that they didn't give me a fill in the blank box to tell them why I was canceling. Not that they would have taken me seriously or even looked at my answer, but it would have felt far more satisfying.

Maybe I'll subscribe to that backyard poultry magazine that keeps sending me free issue offers instead.