I'm Cancelling

I've decided to cancel a couple of my sillier magazine subscriptions. I got them last year when I was alone and so bored that receiving a glossy magazine would liven up the day. Thrilling times they were not.

As it cost me something on the order of $12 for two years worth of magazines, I went ahead and subscribed. It's been more than two years, and I'm still getting these ridiculous periodicals. What used to be a bit of fun, a bright splash of color on a dreary winter day is now just asinine, belligerent crap.

I'm not going to name names, but suffice it to say that the magazines I am referring to are marketed to young, idiotic women who appear to want nothing more out of life than firm buns, shiny hair and a stellar job working as a downtrodden intern in some corporate office. You know what I'm talking about.

With the delivery and subsequent listless thumbing through of the most recent editions of said women's magazines, I had an epiphany. I didn't want to read this trite crap ever again. Well, maybe I'll pick one up at the airport for some brainless entertainment, but that's it.

Actually subscribing to these magazines made me realize something. They're all the same. Obvious, I know, but really, every single issue is exactly the same. There's different ads, different models, and different titles, but that's it. The actual articles, advice and whatnot is the same.

And something else I realized? None of it is relevant to my life. At all. Here's an example of a hypothetical argument between Me and Trite Crap Monthly, who is trying to keep taking my paltry subscription fee.

TCM: Loyal TCM Girl! Have I got some great things in my pages for you to discover!

Me: I highly doubt it, but what the heck, I'll give it one more go.

TCM: Oooh, lookie here! 10 autumn looks you just can't live without! Boots, tights, coats, leggings, heels and neon sweaters!

Me: Um, I already own boots, they do last more than a year, you know. Hmm, I've got sweaters and coats, and as for leggings? The world will thank me if I don't. And I actually like to walk around, so no heels, thanks.

TCM: I see, recesionista are you?

Me: I have no idea what that is, but if it means not buying crap I can't afford, then yes.

TCM: If you don't want new clothes, but I know you do, all girls want new clothes.. Ahem! Moving on. If you don't want new clothes, check out these AMAZING make-up finds! So many kinds and colors, all availible at the drugstore for mere dollars! Think of how much you'll save!

Me: I don't wear make-up.

TCM: What?! Of course you do, all girls do! Why not try out our new lipstick trick! Works with all the season's best colors, and you don't need to be a pro to pull it off!

Me: Weren't you listening? I don't wear make-up.

TCM: *blank stare* Huh? But, new lipstick colors are here, find the one that's right for your skin tone!

Me: I like the color of my lips just fine. Chapstick's been good enough for the past 10 years, I've got no reason to think it'll suddenly fail me now.

TCM: Chapstick? Haven't you heard of moisturizing lip gloss? No? Alright, fine. Turn the page for this season's fabulous new scents! Entice your man! Glam up your image!

Me: Perfume gives me a headache.

TCM: Alright, why not try our reader-tested skin care products! Guarenteed to fight acne! Reduce reness! Eliminate shine! Even out your skin tone!

Me: Um, why do I not see soap anywhere on this page?

TCM: *raises eyebrows* Soap?! Soap?! Why in the world would you want soap when you can have this eco-friendly, juju-infused, micro-bead, foaming gentle facial scrub? Follow that with an aloe-rich face cream designed to moisturize while fighting wrinkles!

Me: Um, kind of sounds like soap to me. Fancy, expensive soap.

TCM: Didn't you hear the phrase "fights wrinkles"?!

Me: Yeah, I did, but I'm in my 20's, I don't have any wrinkles to fight. Also considering I spend a good deal of time outside, I'm going to have wrinkles eventually, product or no product.

TCM: You'll have a hard time finding a man with an old-lady face! Men like youth! Which brings me to my next article, How to Find the Perfect Man!

Me: I have a man already. He ain't perfect, but that would be boring.

TCM: Oh, well if you've already landed a guy, you'll need our comprehensive sex guide! Find His Hidden Pleasure Zone! 10 Tricks That Will Blow His Mind!

Me: Hidden pleasure zone? You mean his dick? Yeah, that was pretty hidden, good thing I had you to guide me. As for your tips and tricks? I think I might be able to suss those out for myself. You mean men like blowjobs, who knew?!

TCM: What?! You knew that already? Well, here's something you don't know. How Men's Minds Work! Figure Out What He's Really Thinking!

Me: Orrrrrrr I could just ask him. Here's what my BF is thinking about on any given day. "Sex! Aw man, I don't want to go to work. Breakfast! Wow, this is taking longer than I thought. Sex! Oh no, my boss wants me to do extra stuff. I bet he's going to bitch about how I have this thing set up too. I'm hungry. Lunch! Sex! What time is it? I'm tired, I want to go home. Maybe she'll give me a ride home. Sex! Beer! Dinner! Beer! Sex!"

Okay, highly simplified I know, but c'mon. Considering I think much the same thing (without all the sex) throughout the day, I don't think he's much different. I mean, men are people, not some alien caveman species we dragged into civilization last week.

TCM: Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. What about all the job advice I give you? I know you work, so of course you MUST have used our tips at some point!

Me: I suppose I might have done at some point. The thing is, I have no use for "How to Outsmart the Office Bitch" or "How to Dress to Impress". Where I work, there isn't an Office Bitch. Heck, there isn't even an office. As for sophisticated clothing? I routinely get covered in dust and dirt, and end up going home a sweaty, filthy mess. If you're not trying to sell me jeans and t-shirts, I'm not interested.

TCM: But what about impressing your boss? Looking good to management?

Me: My boss chews tobacco and spits on the floor. He's tickled pink that I show up to work on time, don't complain and haven't knocked anything over with the fork lift. As for future jobs? I think I'll be okay with the old "Do your job, do it well and don't be a bitch" motto.

TCM: *pouting* Fine. Fine! Spurn my generous offers of help and advice! But I've saved the best for last. Hair care!

Me: Okay, you've finally got my interest.

TCM: Check out the lastest hair products! New styles! New tips for achieving that perfect look!

Me: I like my shampoo just fine, thanks. Though I do like new updo ideas... Wait a minute. All these styles are for women with short hair...

TCM: No, we've some long hair styles too. See? This model's hair goes past her shoulders! Look how long it is!

Me: Mine is down to my waist. Nothing you've shown me is either remotly possible to do with my hair or very flattering.

TCM: Why don't you get it cut? Check out Celebrity Haircuts! Get Cute Bangs! How to Get the Exact Cut You Want at the Salon!

Me: I like my hair, and I don't want bangs. Actually, I cut my hair myself, so I always get the "perfect cut". Besides, as long as my hair is up and out of my face, I don't care too much about it for everyday purposes.

Your trite, annoying and sometimes quite belligerent articles do not intrest me. I shall call your company and cancel my subscription forthwith! I'd rather spend that $12 on a horse magazine. In fact, I think I will.